aliceylain | it's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing

Crossposts: http://alice-and-lain.livejournal.com/312915.html

it's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing

I have been in a fandom creative slump for around two years and it's started to drive me nuts.

I used to be mildly creative and I seems to have lost that temporarily. When I was in the Harry Potter fandom, I wrote a little fanfiction, maintained a couple of websites, and helped out with FictionAlley. When I was in the Prince of Tennis fandom, I wrote a ton of fanfiction, did some comics, and role-played some. When I was in the One Piece fandom, I wrote a little fanfiction, did some comics, and role-played a ton. And even until recently, I was doing comics, whether they were fandom-related or not.

But a couple of months ago, something switched off in me and I stopped doing comics. I've been struggling with some Utena fanfiction for ages but haven't gotten much anywhere. In short, I just feel stuck. I don't feel particularly part of any fandom and haven't for around two years. I mean, I though Community was going to be my next thing but that didn't pan out. Same with Doctor Who. I'm at loose ends and I'm not even creating anything anymore. I'm just blindly consuming without any sort of dialogue with any other fans. Where did my dialogue go?

I don't know if I'm going to get my drive to create back anytime soon, which saddening to think about. I just don't feel anchored in any sort of fandom. There are series that I enjoy, sure, but I'm not entrenched in them. I want to be entrenched again but I don't know how to consciously do that. Before, it's always felt that I just feel into a fandom without even trying. Maybe part of this is because fandom seems to have moved mainly to twitter and tumblr, where communication isn't always the easiest. Maybe part of this is because I'm older and have other interests taking up my attention (gardening, cooking). Maybe part of this is that I'm more reluctant to blindly reach out to people nowadays. Or maybe it's some other undefinable thing that's holding me back. I just wish I could fall into a fandom again and feel that spark.

Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone have any suggestions?

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I have had that feeling, so you are not alone. Sadly, I have no idea how to make it go away, except that sometimes a fandom will turn up and you will need to know more at once.

I have no idea if this is a useful idea, but maybe Yuletide? At least it has a million people talking excitedly about a million different things and you might find something that sparked your interest at least a bit? Also, deadlines can be useful to push through blocks, but ymmv, as always.

Alternatively, if you'd like to talk about Utena fic, I'm definitely here for that! I've been watching this vid since it came out, and feeling immensely nostalgic about Utena. It was so good! SO ridiculous, and yet I have all of the feelings about Utena and Anthy and everyone and all of the massively over the top symbolism.

I know, I'll just have to be more patient. Dammit, I want to feel the love again!

You know, that's a possibility. I've never done Yuletide before because so many fandoms and so many people. Buuuut it's a bit like a community too and maybe doing something for Yuletide will shake something loose.

Ahaha, I've seen that video floating around! Definitely funny and anything Utena makes my heart sing. Let me poke at my story a bit more and see if I think talking to someone about it will help.

Oh, I totally know where you're coming from. I've always felt that my creativity is like a well, where there's only so much of it and I can't draw more than what's available until it's been replenished of its own accord -- and sometimes that replenishment rate is not as fast as I would like. I had a writing slump for about three and a half years, where I simply didn't have the creative flow going and nothing seemed to inspire me. I was doing a job (editing) that required just enough energy to be a constant drain on my creative well and not leave it any space to replenish it.

The only thing that really got me going again was actually finding my next big fandom, where I felt like there was a lot of scope for me to write about things that canon didn't address. (In my case, it was Hetalia, which gave me pretty much all of history to play with.) I couldn't force it, and wasn't expecting it, but one day I found myself noodling around with a fic idea and writing it that way. It also helped that the fandom had an anonymous kink meme (where the stories weren't required to be sexy, thankfully), so I could pre-flight fic and respond to other people's prompts (like a fic exchange, in a sense) and overcome my worries about posting something that other people might not like. (The immediate feedback culture of the kink meme style was very helpful, too.)

I don't know what advice I can give you, except to say that if you try to push yourself to create -- as I tried to do -- you will pretty much make yourself miserable. So it's the sort of thing that I think you may have to let find you, as unhelpful as that is. I wish I could do more to help!

Yes, yes, yes, you've got it exactly! For some reason, it can't be forced, it just happens. And finding the next fandom love just happens too. It has to be the right fandom too, with scope for further story outside of the narrative, like you said with Hetalia.

I wish you could do more too. I'm just impatient right now and want the love to happen. Which is silly because there are plenty of things that I'm following that I love right now, but nothing that makes me want to reach out and communicate that creatively. But I shall persevere! If this is the worst thing to happen in my life, I've got things pretty well made.

It seems like the advice I get most is to let it happen when it happens. Like one of the comments already made, trying to force yourself into fandom and creativity can lead to a lot of misery. I've tried to jump-start my writing via classes, a writing group, and trying to read more... and there have been a few sparks with nothing lasting. At least I'm back to reading fanfiction after ~3 years of not being involved at all.

Like you, I've mostly just been consuming and consuming. There's been no output from me so I often feel overly-saturated. Before the break, I used to RP; before that I wrote fanfic like a fiend. I find myself really missing fic now. I appreciate the time I had in RP, though. It challenged me to write crisper comebacks. (Haha, probably not the thing I was supposed to get out of it.)

I don't think it's necessarily a question of the fandom so much as where you are in life. Personally, I've been exposed to many good fandoms that are easy to write in. So for my part, I don't think it's a lack of material or a lack of interest. I think I messed up a little when I tried to become a Serious Adult after leaving LJ in 2010. I didn't update and I tried not to watch anime; in fact, I was planning on dropping fandom altogether except one friend suggested I at least try tumblr, which kept me slightly connected to that world. I still couldn't manage to involve myself the same way as before and changed from totally loving literature and being inspired and in love with ideas to being pragmatic and responsible and self-sacrificing, especially in my career. I had always refused managerial jobs because I thought they would be annoying and a drain; a year ago I tried to step up to the task when it was offered to me and it ended up being annoying and a drain. (Imagine that!) There are some other things at play in my case as well - things like me learning to repress myself to avoid hurting people's feelings and that ending up affecting my ability to write.

I guess that's the only thing I have to offer you, in terms of an insight-possibly-turned-suggestion? Look at your life, look at what's changed - you, your surroundings, and so on. You may just have different interests or want different things, and there may be different alternatives to experiencing the sort of happiness you used to get via fandom. Or, it could be something else. In my case, I really should have been more protective of/responsible for my energy and mental reserves. I doubted my gut feeling and it turned out poorly. I'm trying to change that around now. Whatever the case is for you, I definitely hope you get to experience that sort of happiness again. :)

Yeeeeah, I'm just impatient for it to happen now! Hence my frustrated entry. (Oh man, fanfiction. I've been reading a ton lately, bouncing around to different canons. I just wish I felt compelled to write some or finish the ones I've started)

There's been no output from me so I often feel overly-saturated.

Oooh, that's a good way to put it. And I remember enjoying your PoT fanfic!

Hmmmm, that's good advice. The big thing that changed was moving out on my own again (third time's the charm?) but I'd been feeling this way for about nine months before I made the move. Still, introspection doesn't hurt and I can at least try doing more reaction posts to the series that I am currently loving and following. It could blossom into something.

(Sadly, I wonder if a big part of my inability to leap into fandom again is lack of persistence. I get discourage too easily when things aren't easy. Bleh.)

I understand. What fanfiction have you been reading? Which fandoms, I mean?

Haha, thank you. I'm thrilled you remember that, even though it's been so long.

Was there any discernible catalyst?

What is there to be persistent about? I didn't really understand that part.

Oh my god, just anything that catches my fancy? I've been bopping around in Death Note, Naruto, Kuroko no Basuke, Free!, Doctor Who, and Revolutionary Girl Utena for the most part. I've been wanting to read loooooong plotty stuff lately, which means I have to stick to very popular or established fandoms.

You were pretty established, or so my recollection of the time tells me.

I honestly don't know. I could reread journals from then but I've always been pretty spotty with journaling. There might be nothing.

I don't know if I can even explain it...it's just a feeling that my attention span has shrunk and so even if I'm interested in a fandom, I'm not persistent enough to try and get more involved.

I've been into long and plotty as well lately - which is a change for me since I used to just like bite-sized fanfiction.

Were you persistent about your plants? Or how did that come about?

Yeeeeeesssss! I miss active fandom participation, too. Read some fic on Archive Of Our Own a couple of weeks ago - linked through TVTropes, on a whim - and it was nice just to remember that such things still go on out there, somewhere. The light's still on. In some form, it always will be.

I think a lot of the dialogue is on Tumblr. But I also get the impression that the crowd is younger, and the fandoms are different.

But I think it's also a very relevant point to think about one's habits, focus, life changes. Not in the sense that everyone must give up fandom at a certain age - they don't - but circumstances change. I know I'm not online every day anymore, let alone for hours on end. My writing projects and such benefit, but I don't feel like I'm up to date on the wider fandom discussion anymore.

Personally, as long as I'm doing something expressive/creative, no matter what that is, then I feel satisfied. It is more fun to participate in something that's shared, but if the time / circumstances aren't right for it at the moment, that's all right. The social aspect and the creative aspect are linked, but they aren't quite the same.

Gah, this has me wanting to join Tumblr! :p

I think a lot of the dialogue is on Tumblr. But I also get the impression that the crowd is younger, and the fandoms are different.

Yeah, I think that too...but really, where did the older crowd go? I look at my LJ friends list and so many have gone completely silent and the communities are nothing like what they were.

Personally, as long as I'm doing something expressive/creative, no matter what that is, then I feel satisfied. It is more fun to participate in something that's shared, but if the time / circumstances aren't right for it at the moment, that's all right. The social aspect and the creative aspect are linked, but they aren't quite the same.

Maybe I need to borrow a bit from this train of thought. I'm so invested in the feedback loop that maybe I need to accept that it's not always like that? But I love the happy, excited feedback loop/ :( You make good sense though, like everyone else who's commented.

(...I'm still online almost everyday, in some fashion. A classic adult, I'll never be.)

Yeah, I really like the feedback loop, too, honestly. I try to adjust my expectations so that it's a nice bonus rather than a necessity. But it's just FUN to talk about things.

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it's like a hundred thousand voices that just can't sing

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