aliceylain (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aliceylain) wrote2014-11-30 09:25 pm
aliceylain) wrote2014-11-30 09:25 pm
i declare my independence from the critics and their stones
And sometimes I just get so tired of trying to make friends. I try to be nice at work, I try to talk to people. I try to say interesting things and it doesn't seem to work. Whatever the friend-making gene is, I just don't seem to have it anymore. People talk to me if it is directly work-related. People talk to me if I butt into their conversations. Otherwise, there's just nothing and I've gotten to the point where I'm tired of my social anxiety telling me every word I said that was stupid, every intonation that was off.
Work is having a department holiday party at a local restaurant this upcoming week but I didn't reply to the RSVP. Holiday parties are nothing but anxiety. I have to worry about who I'm sitting with, which is largely a matter of chance and the order that people arrive in. I have to worry about what to talk about. I have to scrutinize my words afterward and be embarrassed about all the stupid things I said in a pathetic attempt to make people like me. It's not worth the free food, all that worry. So I didn't RSVP. Maybe this time would have been different and I would have made a connection...but odds aren't high.
I haven't had a proper friend outside of work and the internet in years and nowadays I'm mostly okay with it. I like that I'm in complete control with what I do in my free time since nobody wants any part of my free time. On the other hand, I know that having no friends is not healthy and I do get lonely sometimes. I'm 35 and if it weren't for work and visiting my parents, I would definitely qualify as a recluse. Is it bad that outside the occasional feeling of loneliness and the knowledge that this isn't a good thing, my worst fear about being a recluse is what is going to happen to me when I get too old to care for myself by myself?
I'm tired of feeling like I say the wrong things every damn day of my life. Why do I hold myself accountable? I'm going to quit trying. I'm going to quit trying to strike up conversations, I'm going to stop joining conversations. I'm going to stop reaching out and engaging because I haven't been able to get what I'm searching for out of it in a long time. No more crappy jokes, no more small talk, no more trying to impress. Time to stop lying to others and myself.
I'm not nice and I don't want to care anymore.
Work is having a department holiday party at a local restaurant this upcoming week but I didn't reply to the RSVP. Holiday parties are nothing but anxiety. I have to worry about who I'm sitting with, which is largely a matter of chance and the order that people arrive in. I have to worry about what to talk about. I have to scrutinize my words afterward and be embarrassed about all the stupid things I said in a pathetic attempt to make people like me. It's not worth the free food, all that worry. So I didn't RSVP. Maybe this time would have been different and I would have made a connection...but odds aren't high.
I haven't had a proper friend outside of work and the internet in years and nowadays I'm mostly okay with it. I like that I'm in complete control with what I do in my free time since nobody wants any part of my free time. On the other hand, I know that having no friends is not healthy and I do get lonely sometimes. I'm 35 and if it weren't for work and visiting my parents, I would definitely qualify as a recluse. Is it bad that outside the occasional feeling of loneliness and the knowledge that this isn't a good thing, my worst fear about being a recluse is what is going to happen to me when I get too old to care for myself by myself?
I'm tired of feeling like I say the wrong things every damn day of my life. Why do I hold myself accountable? I'm going to quit trying. I'm going to quit trying to strike up conversations, I'm going to stop joining conversations. I'm going to stop reaching out and engaging because I haven't been able to get what I'm searching for out of it in a long time. No more crappy jokes, no more small talk, no more trying to impress. Time to stop lying to others and myself.
I'm not nice and I don't want to care anymore.